无奈 speechless

My visa got rejected. because of one tiny mistake. All I can say is...nothing. Think nothing. Mind is so blank. I feel so detached to the world. Probably just a defence mechanism so I won't feel so disappointed and angry and do stupid things.

I do nothing else but to find ways to get myself sorted and hopefully I can go home by christmas eve...I want to go home! I can't bare to see the disappointment in my family's eyes. and you, Mr. Wolf...sigh~

I can't ask anyone, I don't believe in God, I still pray, not to anyone, but to myself, that I can go through this.

I thank you..yes you, Mr. Wolf for being with me. At least listening to my blurb for hours, I hope I can be with you in Malaysia. Also, Mrs supermom, thanks for helping me and supporting me and also so understanding. Also, for once, thanks Mr.Evil, for your sympathy, hope you don't back stab me now and stand over me because of this, but I will try to believe you are sincere.

I am emotionless. I hope I can feel again. The happiness, warmth, smile, touch, and hugs...the sun, the sea and my family.

feeling better now

Yes, life is still crap at work place, but not all bad, still some positively good people and good things happen. I feel better. I just wish I can take in control of my emotion better...getting better day by day. At least I can control my anger and turned it into positive action~boy you should see my face, twisted and turned...well not quite but almost. I remember when I used to argue with one of my friend, he always said I should looked myself in the mirror. I know exactly what he meant, but anger consumed me, I couldn't care less when I just my point to be heard...which obviously hadn't been heard anyway.

What makes today different? I kept thinking about people who tolerate and love me, who support me and still continue to support me....and I won't let them down. I was brave...well if you called that. The situation will not change, coz it happened a year ago...still happening..so I will adapt the changes...use it to my advantage....just hope all goes well....and I just wanna enjoy my life, be merry, have lot's of fun and make people smile! Hope my wishes will b e granted~ ^_^

It doesn't help..what's wrong?

Hate it! I hate my life after work..can't wait til weekend. Not about the work load, bloody politic..I just wanna get out of here! Not sure what else I can do. Yes, my CV is going to look good, great training and development need. but I hate being here....why?

ahh...my ego..yes, that's the fault! I have big ego and character! Only I survive, noone else can....

Of coz I have big ego, I am better than you! My sin~why should my idea be taken off and get credit by you? What have I done wrong? Tell you too much?!

Let's go back a step, looking at it in a Buddism view. I should harm noone, but not let anyone harm me. Karma: What comes around goes around. I am a peaceful animal, I don't want to harm noone. Yes, ambitious, to make my parents proud, they work hard to see me here...I have no ego in killing people on the way up my career. Why not work with me so you get what you want and I get mine?! Doesn't that kill two birds with one stone? oh,that's a sin too..coz you only want to see yourself success and noone else

damn, head pounding like mad! I don't like me now! Get me outha here! Does it solve my problem if I just run away?

Help ...

(p/s: what will happen to me if my company see this? get fired..?)

Selfish and manipulative

I aspire not to be ignorant and arrogant. I am no wise man. I try hard not to be racist and stand in others shoe to understand their perscpetive. Compassionate and kind are my believes. And I avoid being a hyprocrite, I say what I think or if not I will try not to say.

I hate selfish people. Please take them away from me. I hate evil hearted people. I am afraid of myself being with them. I don't like to be manipulated. And I know when they are around. They think I am foolish...I am not foolish, I don't want to be like them. I just want to be myself. So go away~I am not your prey~ I don't want to be a two faced person hanging with you!

I treasure your kindness, I will be kind back 100 times more~

So selfish, evil and manipulative people, stay away from me!

Conforming vs Revolution

I admire revolutionalist.

Certain structure in a society is a neccessity, or is it?

Revolutionalist generate ideas, create vision, convincing, certain and confident. These great strengths attract its follower, providing them the direction to create a revolution. Whether the revolution is against dictatorship, racism, sexism or merely for own greed, need or power; it doesnt matter. Revolution is against conformation.

In a lot of ways, entrepreneurs are like revolutionalist. Their strengths are similar, just different battlefield.

I admire revolutionalist for their bravery and strengths, to fight for their own rights or need, to go against all odds. Most of all, to overcome their own inner fears and go beyond.

Maybe deep inside me, I am afraid. I yearn to make a difference. What is stopping me? just myself

Self-sympathy, it's always other's fault, never my own, the world is so damn difficult

damn~!! I am so not going to conform to my self pettyness and cowardness.

Nature equips us with all the survival skills I should possess to strike, to go through the journey of life, coz believe it or not, life is never easy, even before life begins

http://www.channel4.com/science/microsites/A/animals_in_the_womb/extraordinary-animals.html

She becomes an angel~

I phoned home today. Kinda needed to hear my mom's voice. I miss home. and I feel grim since Lauren passed away. I told my mom, but warned her not to panic before I say more. Mom took it very well. Mom said it is alright, Lauren is young, hence I feel that way. Mom said at least there are no suffering. Mom told me Lauren has been to a better place, which leads me think that she becomes an angel...i felt so much better. I told mom, somehow I wish I told her...there is a small part of me that felt it before it happen..it sounded strange...just a feeling, I was telling Lauren that I am gonna have my hair cut, and dyed my hair in the salon that she recommended me. Lauren had her pink hair highlight, was looking good, but at the same time, she looked pale...maybe coz of her make up.

I don't think I will attend her funeral. I don't think I can bare to go through this. I will miss her...

I am glad I phoned mom...just like a massive hugs landed on me.

fugu fugu fugu man zai~!

Fugu fugu fugu fugu fugu hip hip hooray~!

Love your recordings~! there are awesome!!!Awwwwwwww~ can't wait to listen in real!