无奈 speechless

My visa got rejected. because of one tiny mistake. All I can say is...nothing. Think nothing. Mind is so blank. I feel so detached to the world. Probably just a defence mechanism so I won't feel so disappointed and angry and do stupid things.

I do nothing else but to find ways to get myself sorted and hopefully I can go home by christmas eve...I want to go home! I can't bare to see the disappointment in my family's eyes. and you, Mr. Wolf...sigh~

I can't ask anyone, I don't believe in God, I still pray, not to anyone, but to myself, that I can go through this.

I thank you..yes you, Mr. Wolf for being with me. At least listening to my blurb for hours, I hope I can be with you in Malaysia. Also, Mrs supermom, thanks for helping me and supporting me and also so understanding. Also, for once, thanks Mr.Evil, for your sympathy, hope you don't back stab me now and stand over me because of this, but I will try to believe you are sincere.

I am emotionless. I hope I can feel again. The happiness, warmth, smile, touch, and hugs...the sun, the sea and my family.

feeling better now

Yes, life is still crap at work place, but not all bad, still some positively good people and good things happen. I feel better. I just wish I can take in control of my emotion better...getting better day by day. At least I can control my anger and turned it into positive action~boy you should see my face, twisted and turned...well not quite but almost. I remember when I used to argue with one of my friend, he always said I should looked myself in the mirror. I know exactly what he meant, but anger consumed me, I couldn't care less when I just my point to be heard...which obviously hadn't been heard anyway.

What makes today different? I kept thinking about people who tolerate and love me, who support me and still continue to support me....and I won't let them down. I was brave...well if you called that. The situation will not change, coz it happened a year ago...still happening..so I will adapt the changes...use it to my advantage....just hope all goes well....and I just wanna enjoy my life, be merry, have lot's of fun and make people smile! Hope my wishes will b e granted~ ^_^

It doesn't help..what's wrong?

Hate it! I hate my life after work..can't wait til weekend. Not about the work load, bloody politic..I just wanna get out of here! Not sure what else I can do. Yes, my CV is going to look good, great training and development need. but I hate being here....why?

ahh...my ego..yes, that's the fault! I have big ego and character! Only I survive, noone else can....

Of coz I have big ego, I am better than you! My sin~why should my idea be taken off and get credit by you? What have I done wrong? Tell you too much?!

Let's go back a step, looking at it in a Buddism view. I should harm noone, but not let anyone harm me. Karma: What comes around goes around. I am a peaceful animal, I don't want to harm noone. Yes, ambitious, to make my parents proud, they work hard to see me here...I have no ego in killing people on the way up my career. Why not work with me so you get what you want and I get mine?! Doesn't that kill two birds with one stone? oh,that's a sin too..coz you only want to see yourself success and noone else

damn, head pounding like mad! I don't like me now! Get me outha here! Does it solve my problem if I just run away?

Help ...

(p/s: what will happen to me if my company see this? get fired..?)

Selfish and manipulative

I aspire not to be ignorant and arrogant. I am no wise man. I try hard not to be racist and stand in others shoe to understand their perscpetive. Compassionate and kind are my believes. And I avoid being a hyprocrite, I say what I think or if not I will try not to say.

I hate selfish people. Please take them away from me. I hate evil hearted people. I am afraid of myself being with them. I don't like to be manipulated. And I know when they are around. They think I am foolish...I am not foolish, I don't want to be like them. I just want to be myself. So go away~I am not your prey~ I don't want to be a two faced person hanging with you!

I treasure your kindness, I will be kind back 100 times more~

So selfish, evil and manipulative people, stay away from me!

Conforming vs Revolution

I admire revolutionalist.

Certain structure in a society is a neccessity, or is it?

Revolutionalist generate ideas, create vision, convincing, certain and confident. These great strengths attract its follower, providing them the direction to create a revolution. Whether the revolution is against dictatorship, racism, sexism or merely for own greed, need or power; it doesnt matter. Revolution is against conformation.

In a lot of ways, entrepreneurs are like revolutionalist. Their strengths are similar, just different battlefield.

I admire revolutionalist for their bravery and strengths, to fight for their own rights or need, to go against all odds. Most of all, to overcome their own inner fears and go beyond.

Maybe deep inside me, I am afraid. I yearn to make a difference. What is stopping me? just myself

Self-sympathy, it's always other's fault, never my own, the world is so damn difficult

damn~!! I am so not going to conform to my self pettyness and cowardness.

Nature equips us with all the survival skills I should possess to strike, to go through the journey of life, coz believe it or not, life is never easy, even before life begins

http://www.channel4.com/science/microsites/A/animals_in_the_womb/extraordinary-animals.html

She becomes an angel~

I phoned home today. Kinda needed to hear my mom's voice. I miss home. and I feel grim since Lauren passed away. I told my mom, but warned her not to panic before I say more. Mom took it very well. Mom said it is alright, Lauren is young, hence I feel that way. Mom said at least there are no suffering. Mom told me Lauren has been to a better place, which leads me think that she becomes an angel...i felt so much better. I told mom, somehow I wish I told her...there is a small part of me that felt it before it happen..it sounded strange...just a feeling, I was telling Lauren that I am gonna have my hair cut, and dyed my hair in the salon that she recommended me. Lauren had her pink hair highlight, was looking good, but at the same time, she looked pale...maybe coz of her make up.

I don't think I will attend her funeral. I don't think I can bare to go through this. I will miss her...

I am glad I phoned mom...just like a massive hugs landed on me.

fugu fugu fugu man zai~!

Fugu fugu fugu fugu fugu hip hip hooray~!

Love your recordings~! there are awesome!!!Awwwwwwww~ can't wait to listen in real!

grim day~

Today is the hardest day at work. My company's receptionist, Lauren, aged 17, was killed in a car crash on the way to work in the morning. She was pronounced dead at the scene. I still could not get my head round the fact that Lauren is gone forever. My mind kinda tell me that it's just a trick, nothing happen. Everything today seems so unreal. It was so difficult to focus at work. All I wanted to do is sleep. Lauren is a bubbly girl. I believe she has a great character as she is only 17 and she handled her work professionally in her own way. She just passed her driving test not too long...and her car was given to her as a birthday present from her parents. I don't know how to put my emotion together. Certainly it's hard to imagine how will her family react....sigh~

I believe in reincarnation and karma. or do i? I hope she did not suffer a lot when she passed away. May Lauren rest in peace.

I am going to be careful on roads, not overtaking when it's dangerous....

Thank everyday that you are alive and kicking~

Leadership training

I am a lucky girl. My work, which is part funded by the UK government, allow me to have training opportunity. This week, has been a hectic week. It is also the last module that I am going to do for my training, it is called Business leadership.

It is an insipring course...this is going to be the last day.

The training provider is Ashorehill. Two lovely ladies, Jill and Claire are our trainers. I would say they are two complete opposite and yet insipiring and motivating individuals. The training involve very little lecturing, there are alot of exploring own self and own leadership ability. I always have my doubt of being a leader as I always think that I am too emotional and not methodological. However, this training has provided an insight information of my own way of management style. And, although there are alot of areas that I need to improve to be an effective leader, I do have the quality.

I was very touch last night. Last night was feedback night. During the week I lead a small team on a graveyard shift (18:30 to 08:00). I was completely tired at the end of the day, yet excited as well. I really wanted this opportunity to get a lot of feedback from my leadership, especially negative feedback. My team members were excellent team! I really need to mentioned their names: Judith, Steve, Craig, Satish, Tushar, Keiran and Chan. They are amazing and supportive. I am really glad I was given this opportunity...so much fun~

Thanx guys~

Housemate 室友

我的室友，是个男人。当然，我们只是住在同一个屋檐下，不同床…呵呵！
说来，他也是个可爱的男人。静静的，有点点害羞，但是很好人。（肯收留我的人不多。。。肯让我留下来的人也不多。。。）他特爱干净，家里一尘不染，又有礼貌。。。

我的运气是很好。

话说回来，我的室友的女友，也很可爱。其实，他们俩让人觉得羡慕的幸福。可爱的女友让害羞的室友开怀大笑，也只有他们俩在一起，室友的对话也跟着多了，声音爽朗开心。。。我替他们开心，但愿人长久：）

记得我是在今年三月搬进这里，室友应该才刚刚与女友在一起，看着他们俩每天的感情越来越好，我有说不出的感动，哈，也觉得有趣，嘻嘻。女友一天一天把她的私人用品留下，也代表着他俩的感情越来越亲密。。

多妙。。。

也许好事将近呢！（会不会赶我走呢？）

但愿人长久。。。

奇怪的中秋

天气冷冷的，天空一整天都布满了雾。。。迷迷糊糊的，懒懒的，但是，这里的人儿啊，已经习惯了这样的感觉，所以他们也是懒懒的。。

这个中秋，没有中秋的感觉，我不好，没有祝妈妈爸爸中秋节快乐，我只是告诉他们关于他，和他的可爱。。。爸妈很替我开心，嘻嘻。。。

他，很可爱。
只有忍不住想拥抱他。
他煮了咖哩饭，还有提拉密苏。。。（我们把提拉密苏当早餐吃）
有一点点的怀疑自己的运气。。。

这个中秋，好浪漫的奇怪。。。

有了，有初恋的感觉了。。。

天啊！都多大了。。。

忘了所有烦恼，只想和你在一起，漫游天下

多心，花心， 没有心-开心

小黑是多心,花心, 还是没有心呢?

小黑也喜欢与游戏王子一起玩.游戏王子,表面看起来很好玩,其实好男人一名,有始有终,忠心耿耿,是女 人的梦想

小黑喜欢与毛先生一起玩.毛先生,偶尔的不理不睬,偶尔的关怀,还有大胆的冒险尝试, 让小黑觉得新鲜刺激,若有若无,多犯践.

小黑也喜欢与石油大亨一起玩. 他温柔的关怀,细心和温暖的拥抱,让小黑觉得很有安全感.

小黑爱他们吗?

小黑全都爱,博爱人生.

小黑在想...

Life goes on

Life goes on....birth, growing old, sickness, death...the four processes that are described in Buddhism. Life won't wait. It just progress on. Whether you like or not. Some people resist the progress...in fact most people do. Managing changes, one of the criteria to be a manager, similar to changes in life.

I am a little dumb in life. I will only realised that I am undergoing changes, or need changed whenever I see my friend moving on..i.e. getting married, having baby, buying house and new flat! I will be thinking....what did I do while they progress in their life? I have been....having fun! does having fun constitute a progress? Does how society perceive my life matters? do I care??most probably not...happily live in my small little world, surrounded by strange and amazing people~Life experience that money can't buy.

One thing I learn and will always bear in mind is:- life is not easy, and nothing comes for free. Hard work and determination are key to success in life. Sounds cheesy, I know. But that is the truth, to get whatever you want in life, it won't fall from the sky.

Work hard~gambateh~加油!

Thank you~you, yes you~ all of my beloved~friends and family~passer-by~buddies~colleagues~ yes~you! Bad or good, thank you for being in my life~reminding me of why I am here

coffee and non coffee lover

I am a coffee lover, smell of good coffee (especially in Italy) make me feel alive again (not that I am dead), nice coffee smell makes a bad day seems better...life is worth living again. (sounded as if I am having a depressing life.. :P)

Coz I am a coffee lover, most friends I hang out with are coffee lover too. Obviously that does not apply to all, in fact I have quite a few of very close and best friends aren't coffee lover. We get along no problem.

I often wonder, are we divided into two groups: coffee and non coffee lover? I know world aren't black and white, there are always the gray areas..

Coffee lovers often display certain characteristics, for me as a coffee lover, it is easily identifiable. For example, they generally prefer dark chocolate, quite stubborn or determine, savor the moment when they drink coffee, maybe love travel too...yeah, i know, it is a little over-generalised, in fact, it is very bias, just merely, describing myself..kekekeke~

Love coffee, not because of the caffeine (I don't really have the addict, can live without it). Love the feeling of loving coffee. Smell of coffee reminded me of the good times, in Malaysia, in italy, in France, in tunisia...good times spent with random stranger in cafe (still remember a greek guy named Perrie who always sit besides me whenever I went to buongiorno), time spent with beloved in cafe, time spent talking about politics and loads of other crap over coffee~ that's life!

Life with coffee, life well spent~

Free soul

Free~

no fear, no boudaries, no expectation, no greed, no requirement, no limit, no tiredness

it's all just illusion

see pass it~

see it through that thin layer of disguise

freed yourself

go beyond

use your potential

exceed your limits

go go go!!!

gambateh~

I want I want I want

to be free!

Autumn is here

I can almost smell the autumn, drifting slowly in the air, gradually spreading the way through the land, pushing summer aside.

This summer was great, at least I have few occasion to bare my legs and wear slippers

What have I done this summer? lots and nothing...

be merry, just having tremendous fun~

lost my soul...found again...reborn~

autumn, brings new sense, new hope, new sensation

chill~wake me from the summer indulgent~

be prepare~before winter comes

work hard~work~I can get what I want!

be merry~be merry~

I want you

I want you~

I want to feel you~

I want to want you~

I want you for wanting me~

I want you to be what I want~

No!

I don't

I want you

I want a life

family and friends

I just want to be happy

I want to have money, see the places I want to see, be safe, cry, feel the pain, be human, be touched, love, and be loved, sacrifies, contribute, give, and take

I want to be a human

I want you

Just you

no more

no less

just

you

What am I thinking?

What am I thinking?

Searching hard

locating my brain, like the search engine in the computer

browsing and browsing

hold on, mind playing tricks!

that file was not there before, suddenly it appears!What has happened?

oh no, yeah, file was never used, it has gradually been forgotten.

Let's open that file:

Look! it's you~you with no face, just a mere label, with a lot of people. It was a happy moment! Happy memories
He was there too, oh, and her! and them! wow, should have looked at this file more. We had so much joy~!

Enough of the happy moment, searching continues...

Am I happy?

Searching engine showed lot's of files: smell of lemon in Capri under the winter sun, looking at Mona Lisa's devily smile, Chicha-blinding smoke of happiness, sun~air that filled with hope.

Happy now?

Brain not responding. Too many conditioning and programming. Guess it needs some optimising, look the world, in different eyes. Everything is relative

Happy now?

Still too many options to click! damn! empty recycle bin! Empty them all! Kick those bad junk memories that destroy my day! put them in blocked senders!

Defrag and brain clearing now...

Life is simple..

Whole brain needs to be renamed: Live life for yourself, not others!

Life of ayuni

Life of ayuni, ends here, with a new beginning.

Ayuni, my eyes in arabic, nickname for the one you love. She was the eyes. And he was her love, once...

It ended...long time before they knew. Blinded by own loneliness and selfishness, they, silently, remain in love. In love by possessing each other, both mentally and physically. Engulfed by their greed and lust, fueled by emptiness. Consuming themselves in the name of love.

Reality strike! He, run away. She, hide. Both crying, in the name of love. Fate is always against their will, they said. Still consumed in the pass, the passionate memories, exhilarating moment, the blinded happiness, they, still believe, in love. One fine day, when they are nearer to their grave, will they still think the same? The same heart-gripping feeling that they once feel for each other

Ayuni, my eyes, guide me, lead me to the future, where i find my past, way behind me.

They loved each other, once, not anymore, what remains, is merely an illusion.

かぐや姫: Kaguya

Princess Kaguya:
The emperor said: burn them all, I have no desire to live forever without Kaguya

Game philosophy

Games, fun and interesting, I am sure the person that invent this word, the idea or the concept did not merely just want to have fun. Game has its own philosophy, that of coz is just my personal humble opinion.

To play a game, first thing first, is to know the instruction and game rules. Once you understand this, you then figure out how to win or score. Most of the time, understanding instructions and rules are the more complicated process. Even it's a physical game such as ball game, fight game and other, strategy is important. Some lucky ones may stroll pass easy (just as they would in life).

I am not good with instruction and rule, I like them to be there, but doesn't mean I know or like to comply with them. Guidance note could maybe replace instruction or rule?! There are a couple of times, when I tried my best effort to remember all the rules, check the list in my head, then damn it, I missed one biggie, there, I lost the game! Yup, I squeeze my head hard, tried my best effort, and this is what I deserved? tough luck! Life for you!

My game philosophy: losing or winning may not be the ultimate aim. It is the process that counts! Did I have fun during those brain squeezing times, yeah, it's good feeling to know that my brain still function the way I like to be, or even better, if I can think beyond that~ like an athletics, they always strike to go beyond their limits, only to find their limit, coz if you don't do that, how to do you know your limit?!

bad behaviour-the thinking process

What constitute a bad behaviour?
some consider swearing, spitting, farting, binge drinking, speaking loudly in a restaurant and etc.
some consider not.
Why so?
the thinking process behind govern by a lot of things, but mainly by past experience. You brain recognises that from past experience, you have had a an unpleasant moment with people that behaved like for example: swearing.
Culture play a significant role, as well as the way you were brought up when you are young.
Noone is born with knowledge that they will hate swearing, unless of coz the mom always tell them antenatally.

After all this rambling, so what do I consider a bad behaviour? Being intendedly evil and knowingly taking advantage of someone is an extremely bad behaviour. Cheating is another intoleratable behaviour. I have some pretty bad experience in being taken advantage especially when I trust that person so much. To me you can choose to dislike or like the person, curse them when you are unhappy, beat them up (well, not encouragable) or not befriend with them anymore. Not taking advantage of them coz they are weaker, it is not difference to bullying, especially they have trust on you. It is like a betrayal~lowest of the low!

I can preach whatever I like here, but still I am in the end just human, with feelings and emotions. We make mistakes, some could be ractifiable, but some may not be. I won't pretend that I am great, coz I am not. Ultimately, if you dislike me, you can just tell me in the face (I might cry, but that is beside the point), or even choose to ignore me altogether. But if you have a great heart and willing to forgive me, that will be something that is special in life. Something to look forward to everyday, knowing that there are still people out there that are with big hearts and willing to past this good deed on to someone else...